Remote Planet Weekly News Roundup
Season 13
September 12, 2012
Ottawa Goes World-Class as Sinkhole Opens
Our Leading Headline: A sinkhole, which opened up last week in the eastbound lanes of Highway 174, in Orleans, is being repaired. The sinkhole appears to have been caused by a leaking sewage pipe and swallowed a car which eventually moved about 20 metres into the sewer tunnel. Early, optimistic reports from City officials that there was 'light at tne end of the tunnel' were later attributed to the vehicle's taillights. The car was finally extracted with the help of a large piece of special equipment loaned from the city of Toronto on the condition that "Mayor Ford needs his giant plunger back, urgently".
The sewer pipe is now in the process of being replaced, but the work could take some time. City officials caution that this isn't a typical pothole which can be repaired by a six-person maintenance crew. Indeed, given the sheer volume of soil which was washed out the hole, some simple arithmetic tells Remote Planet that approximately 125,000 City workers are required for the job: 1,000 of them shovelling, 25,000 supervising, and the other 100,000 sleeping in shifts.
Link Suspected between Bad Weather and Floodplains
Hurricane Isaac recently drenched the New Orleans area of Louisiana with up to 20 inches of rain. While flooding and damage in the City of Saints was much, much less than in Hurricane Katrina, which made landfall seven years earlier, to the day, outlying areas were harder hit. Many rural residents reported that after losing two or three homes to flooding in recent years, they were beginning to see a pattern and deciding to move to higher ground.
Similar reports emerged from The Enchanted Floodplain, AKA Kanata, after a severe rainstorm this past Saturday.
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Nfld. Welcomes Break in Weather
Keeping our focus on tropical cyclones: the remnants of Hurricane Leslie had a close brush with Newfoundland yesteday. High winds and rain buffeted the eastern parts of the island, and hurricane-force winds roiled the waters of the Grand Banks. Luckily, no codfish were still alive to be affected by the storm. Newfoundlanders took Leslie in stride and were grateful for the respite from their usual late-summer weather.
U.S. Politics Enters Steam Age
While the Remote Planet 24-Hour Newsteam took a two-week break for Labour Day, the U.S. Republican Party held its national convention. Among the highlights were a black cameraperson being pelted with peanuts and called an "animal", and actor Clint Eastwood haltingly berating an empty chair meant to represent President Obama. Comedian Bob Newhart immediately threatened to sue Eastwood for using his distinctive style without permssion. All told, the Republican Party has clearly pulled itself forward into the Nineteenth Century.
A week later, the Democrats held their own convention, where former President Bill Clinton delivered a stirring speech. If you missed it, he'll be back in four years to do it again... for Hillary.
Polls after the conventions show Michelle Obama with a narrow lead over Ann Romney.
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Conflicted Ford Accused of Being Knowledgeable
Speaking of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, His Honour took the stand in a conflict-of-interest trial last week. In a nutshell: the Mayor is accused of soliciting donations for his football charity from organizations which are registered to lobby in the City of Toronto. After being ordered to repay approximately $3,000 in donations, Ford in February delivered a heartfelt speech and then voted with City Council to quash the repayment order. During the trial, the prosecution argued that the lobbying organizations might be left expecting some quid-pro-quo favours in return: "You hup our balls and we'll hup yours." Oh, relax; it's just football jargon!
Ford, the son of a former Ontario MPP and a twelve-year veteran of Toronto Council, admitted that he had never read the conflict-of-interest regulations, nor attended mandatory training sessions, but demonstrated his keen understanding of the law, stating "This does not benefit the City in any way. So this, to me, is not a conflict of interest." His legal team argued frequently that Ford did not believe he was doing anything wrong-and, as every Canadian who's ever been to court knows by heart: ignorance of the law is perfectly acceptable...
If found 'knowledgeable', the Mayor could be stripped of his position and possibly even banned from running again, for up to seven years. The comedy industry, which is still recovering from former Ottawa Mayor Larry "Train Wreck" O'Brien's electoral defeat two years ago, is considering filing a last-ditch amicus brief in Ford's defence.
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August 29, 2012
Presto Probably
Our Leading Headline: OC Transpo General Manager John Manconi is "cautiously optimistic" that the Presto card system will eventually go into service in Ottawa, rather than a Plan-B. Manconi reports that a number of issues are being resolved with the five-year-old system, which has been in place in Toronto, and presumably working fine, since 2009.
In an unrelated story, Manconi will probably have to answer some tough questions, after OC Transpo obtained a number of double-decker buses to augment the fleet, which is unable to keep up with demand after last fall's budget cuts in response to record-breaking ridership increases. The double-deckers will mostly be used on express routes-which actually makes sense. City Council is said to be 'concerned' about this left-field decision.
Entertainment World Gearing-Up to Eat NHL's Lunch
Contract talks between the National Hockey League and its Players' Association continue bog down. The prospect of another lockout is looming; the last one, in 2004-2005, led to the cancellation of an entire season and closures of hundreds of sports bars, and showed hockey fans that there's a whole world of alternative entertainment out there, ready to take their erstwhile money.
We suspect that, this time, the NHL and the NHLPA will also learn that there's a big, wide world of alternative entertainment out there-every year, without fail- and more-eager than ever to take erstwhile hockey fans' money. And, this time, the fans know what to do.
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Count Reaches Grand Total
Jay Nelson, the voice of the charming Sesame Street character The Count, passed away last week. Jay, from all of us: thank you for all the laughs; and, wherever you've gone, we just hope you don't have to start over from 1!
Ford Almost Disappears from Embarrassing Headlines
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has gone an entire week without doing something embarrassing.
Last week, comedian Dave Chappelle showed up at Toronto City Hall for some bylaw information, and 'visited the Mayor' for a photo-op. From the look on Chappelle's face in the photo, we're guessing the visit wasn't his idea.
To his credit, Ford once again got through the encounter without having to call 9-1-1.
We at Remote Planet would like to apologize for Mayor Ford's bland behaviour in recent days, and encourage him to step back up to his usual level of entertainment.
Lunar Hero Armstrong Dead at 82
Neil Armstrong, the first man to set foot on the Moon, passed away last weekend at age 82. Armstrong, a test pilot and aviation engineer before joining the astronnaut corps, famously declared "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind."
Armstrong, of course, was the Commander of Apollo 11, in 1969, crewed also by Buzz Aldrin, and that other guy they almost named a drink after.
Rumours have persisted over the years that Aldrin was not happy about Armstrong going first. We suspect he's okay with it, this time.
In related news, Lance Armstrong... something, something, whatever.
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Phyllis Diller, Comedy Pioneer, Passes Away
Phyllis Diller also passed away last recently. Diller was a pioneer in women's comedy, particularly in stand-up. She never pulled a punch and had a wisecrack for every occasion. If there is an afterlife, it just got a whole lot more interesting. Go get 'em, baby!
Apple Fans Clueless: Jury
A jury has awarded Apple Inc. over a billion dollars in damages, after determining that Samsung cellphone and tablet products were 'confusingly similar' to Apple products, meaning that consumers might leave the store with the wrong product. Samsung was also nailed for stealing Apple's patented text-scrolling technique.
Yours Truly has worked with computers since 1980 and clearly remembers what a relief it was when Apple invented text scrolling, allowing us to start using display screens instead of clay slates. And cellphone and tablet users the world over are grateful for the day when Apple invented rectangular-shaped versions. No more awkward triangles and parallellograms!
A few other facts can be inferred from the case, including that Apple fans are unable to identify Apple products in the store. This is particularly alarming when Apple runs its own chain of stores. Apparently, Apple has a major product-identity crisis on its hands.
Our advice to easily-confused Apple fans: slow down and try looking at the box. There's probably a brand-name on there, somewhere, or at least a familiar-looking fruit logo. Let us know if that helps.
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August 22, 2012
Twansit Widers T'ought Dey Saw a Tweeting Twanspo!
Our Leading Headline: OC Transpo has caught attention by responding to tweets from complaining transit users. In a number of examples last week, passengers' tweets about poor service, late buses and unfair treatment of other riders were answered promptly, sometimes within minutes. This contrasts sharply with years of complaints that the transit agency is generally unresponsive to the public.
OC Transpo chief John Manconi says, not to worry, the staff member responsible for the unexpected, prompt responses will identified and disciplined.
Can TO Not Afford a Ford for Ford, Before Someone's F.O.R.D.?
Turning to the ever-reliable Ford File, Toroto Mayor Rob Ford's brother, a City Councillor, has urged that the Mayor get a driver, after Ford was caught reading while driving down a busy expressway.
Terrified citizens overwhelmingly approve of the suggestion.
"He Always Gets His Meal"
Elections Canada has solicited the assistance of the RCMP in attempting to locate the mythical "Pierre Poutine", allegedly behind a flurry of bogus election-day robocalls misdirecting voters to the wrong polling stations.
We suggest the Mounties put Dudley Doright on the case. It just seems appropriate.
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"Eggs: Just Scoop Out the Yellow Bit"
Massive worldwide reaction to new scientific findings that egg yolks are "almost as harmful as cigarettes."
Health Canada has mandated that egg cartons be covered in explicit photos of egg-yolk victims, as well as dire warnings such as "Second-Hand Yolks Hurt Everybody." The cartons are to be stored away from public view and sold only to adults.
The City of Ottawa has ordered that, effective immediately, egg yolks are banned from all City properties, including OC Transpo, and within ten metres of any doorway. Local restaurants may only serve eggs in a separate, ventilated space and may not serve patrons who appear already to be cholestrolled-out.
The Egg Marketing Board, meanwhile, which was caught with its feathers down by the news, is hastily scrambling to put together a new "Eggs: No They're Damned Well Not!" advertising campaign, although a spokesperson indicated a Plan B: "Eggs: Just Scoop Out the Yellow Bit" is being considered.
"Mommy, It Stinks Down here!"
Some 4.6-million Bumbo brand baby seats have been recalled by the manufacturer, after numerous reports of skull fractures in small children.
Apparently, the seat is missing a crucial "THIS END UP" sticker.
Last month, 1.2-million Bumbo brand bicycle helmets were recalled, after users complained of haemorrhoid problems.
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Road Fatailities Down,
NOWHERE TO DRIVE!!!
The City of Ottawa reported last week that road fatalities were down 34% over the past year. Construction closures, however, were up 40%.
Road-rage figures were not available, as the researchers kept getting beaten-up.
We made that up--but prove us wrong!
Presley Sightings, One Confirmed
Elvis Presley's reclusive wife and daughter made a surprise appearance at a memorial honouring the 35th anniversary of the singing legend's death.
They were also spotted in China, at a dentist's office in London, at a train station in PEI, and out behind the Newport Restaurant.
Burned-Buttocks Boob Blames 'Boys
A Texas woman is suing the Dallas Cowboys, after burning her buttocks when she sat on a black marble bench, in the blistering sun, outside their stadium. She claims that the Cowboys should have posted warning signs.
The Cowboys are countersuing, alleging that she in turn failed to warn them, on entering their property, that she was an idiot.
(They're not, really. Perhaps they should.)
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August 15, 2012
NYC Abuzz over Vibe Giveaway
New York City was abuzz last week, when carts set up to give away 10,000 personal vibrators were ordered to shut down. City officials say that the cartus interruptus was necessary due to crowds, then added that the giveaway may resume in future, if the necessary permits are obtained. We'd love to see those permits.
A City insider says officials fear that sex toys could proliferate like handguns.
Horses to Chiarelli: Polo!
Mayor Jim Watson was on-hand for the official opening of a new splash pad in the community of Whitehaven. When asked if the opening was somewhat ironic, during a drought-prone summer when residents are being urged to curb their water use, City Councillor Bob Chiarelli replied, "What drought? It rained last night."
Within minutes of its opening, the pad was crowded with thirsty local cattle, horses and other livestock. City Councillor Mark Taylor said he'd never seen such good behaviour at a public recreational facility and suggested adding pooping lawns and hay bales at all City parks.
Many local parents and children, and some of the livestock, left after the ceremony, annoyed as Chiarelli ran about, shouting "Marco!"
The Mayor was later spotted at a local kegger, before disappearing for "vacation" for two weeks.
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Ford "Probably"
Reading While Driving
While Being Photographed
Reading While Driving
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford admitted that he 'probably' was reading while driving his vehicle along the Don Valley Parkway, after being photographed doing exactly that. "I'm busy," he said. His mentor, Prime Minister Stephen Harper, was quick to remind him to "Deny-deny-deny first and then try the so-what thing".
Travis DWI, No Sex Toys
Country-music star Randy Travis was arrested last week for drunk driving. Police found Travis naked and drunk. A search of his crashed vehicle, however, yielded no dangerous sex paraphernalia... such as personal vibrators.
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Final Reaction for Cold Fusion Chemist
In science news, chemist Martin Fleischmann, of the controversial 'cold fusion' claims of the early 1990s, has passed away at 85. Fleischmann and research partner Stanley Pons claimed that when specially-prepared palladium electrodes reacted with so-called "heavy water" (that's water with an extra oxygen atom), a slight excess of heat was observed, along with a small amount of nuclear-fusion byproducts. Other groups have tried to reproduce those experiments, with little success.
Sources close to Fleischmann say that, in recent weeks, he had complained of a slight fever and a touch of gas.
NCC to City: What Street, Again?
In a surprise move, the National Capital Commission has renamed the Ottawa River Parkway; it is now the Sir John A. MacDonald Parkway, to honour Canada's first Prime Minister.
When asked for comment, NCC Chair Russell Mills stated that the move puts a definitive end to any speculation or suggestion that Ottawa's new light-rail line might run along the Ottawa River Parkway.
Ottawa Transit Commission Chair Diane Deans welcomed the move and added that the City is hard at work on an innovative proposal to run Ottawa's new light-rail line along the new roadway.
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August 8, 2012
Rob Ford
Our leading headline: Toronto Mayor Rob Ford.
Facebook FacePlant
Turning to financial news: Facebook shares recently did a faceplant in the markets, despite meeting targets in its first public earnings report. Analysts ascribe the phenomenon to so-called "investor annoyance". Facebook stockholders complain that, every three months, Facebook changes its quarterly earnings forecast. Most stockholders would prefer to keep the damned forecast just the way it is.
In the wake of the massive hit to Facebook's net market value, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg tells Facebook users not to worry, and encourages them to keep-on-sharing on the popular social-networking site. Sharing their credit-card numbers would, he said, be "especially awesome."
Canada Halfway to 2020 Targets: Tarot Cards
Environment Harper Canada says that our country has achieved nearly 50% of its emissions targets for the year 2020. Only one year ago, that figure was reported at just 25%.
A number of factors are behind this dramatic jump, including a new carbon credit, for the country's vast forests, more-energy-efficient vehicles and buildings... and government policy changes which affected the census and scientific research. Environment Canada says there's a 60% chance that the new "careful guesstimates", or "approximate real-world numbers", are as trustworthy as always.
They also reminded all Canadians that the horoscope for this month says: "Buy Alberta Beef!"
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Feelgood Commercial a Rousing Success
An American television commercial to promote tourism recently made a splash when some observers likened it to "making the U.S. look like Canada". Many people have reported that on first viewing the commercial, which features people of different cultures, and stunning natural vistas, they "just assumed" it was about Canada.
Most Americans, however, say they can tell the difference immediately, pointing out, for example, that only the white woman from Texas gets to sing; and also that her scene was shot at the Brooklyn Bridge, from which can be seen Ellis Island; a subtle reminder to her multicultural friends to tow the line, or... toot-toot!
Travel surveys indicate that the commercial has been a huge success--it's reminded people the world over that Canada is a great place to visit!
Twitter Down, World Revs Up
The online world was stunned to learn that microblogging service Twitter was out for several hours, last week. The outage, which appears to have been caused by technical issues within Twitter itself, seems to have caught the world by surprise, since, as one correspondent explained, "I didn't get any tweets about it."
Numerous businesses and government departments were affected, as workers stopped poking at their phones and got back to work; and staff at Toronto Mayor Rob Ford's office were said to be 'happy and relieved' throughout the incident.
On popular social-networking site Facebook, people stopped posting cat pictures and complaining about Facebook, to complain about Twitter. Said one correspondent, "It sux cuz U can't tweet ur frenz 2 chk FB msgs".
Service was restored after a few hours, and Facebook users went back to liking multinational corporations and griping about Facebook.
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Ford Makes Nice with Celebs
Finally, returning to our leading headline: Toronto Mayor Rob Ford.
Seems the good Mayor met with and delivered a "special gift" to comedians Wil Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis, who were in The Big Smoke to promote their upcoming movie, "The Campaign". Mayor Ford presented the comedians with replicas of the Stanley Cup, which was lasted paraded through the streets of Toronto a couple of years before he was born.
In the movie, Ferrell plays a politician who commits an embarrassing gaffe during an election campaign.
We at Remote Planet would like to comment on this story:
First, we applaud Mayor Ford's progress in addressing his apparent paranoia problem. Less than a year ago, he called 9-1-1 when confronted by bold Canadian comedienne, Mary Walsh, then had a little... aggression problem... when a reporter showed up to photograph the public parkland next door to the Mayoral residence. It is heartwarming to see Mayor Ford reach out to these visiting American comedians, without first dialing 9-1 on his cellphone.
Second, we believe that, on the subject of committing embarrassing, public gaffes, no politician could be more appropriate than Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. We hope that he will continue his progress by playing nice with domestic comedians, newspaper reporters, and other citizens who venture near his extremely public person.
Bravo, Mayor Ford! Be brave!
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July 25, 2012
Syria Stockpiling Trucks!
The Syrian government has admitted that the country possesses weapons of mass destruction. Former U.S. President George W. Bush was asked for comment. Bush oversaw the invasion of Iraq, Syria's eastern neighbour, in 2003, primarily on accusations that that country possessed WMDs. Bush replied: "Dangit-missed by that much!" He was quick to point out that, according to time-honoured wisdom, close does count in hand grenades.
In a related story, the Turkish government has closed its border to trucks from Syria. In 2003, the U.S. government proved that Iraq had trucks, and invaded soon after. A spokesperson stated that Turkey does not possess trucks of its own and will not permit trucks onto its territory. Last week, Syria accused its neighbour Israel of harbouring large stockpiles of long-range tractor-trailers.
Viagra Invades Oceans; Gulf Stream Penetrating More Deeply
Scientists report that tropical plankton are invading arctic waters. Several hours later, they issued a retraction, stating that it's probably not a good idea to sail straight from the tropics to the arctic and pump out the bilge immediately before taking plankton samples.
In truth, the team found the tropical plankton arrived with a 'pulse' of warm water that pushed its way into the arctic region. This is known to occur occasionally, but they note that, in conjunction with global warming, these pulses are, and I seriously quote, "...coming more often and penetrating further".
In an unrelated story, scientists report that measurable concentrations of pharmaceuticals such as, for a random example, Viagra are accumulating in the oceans.
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Branson: Brats Coming Along
Richard Branson's Virgin Galactic is about to begin flight-testing its SpaceShip Two suborbital rocket. The company hopes to begin sending tourists into space by late next year or early 2014, on short flights that will briefly allow them to see the curvature of the Earth and experience weightlessness. Billionaire Branson says he plans to take his children with him on the inaugural flight. Great.
Are we there yet?
Are we there yet?
I gotta go baf'room!
Are we there yet?
BARF!
Are we there yet?
Stop floating into me!
Are we there yet?
I forgot my inhaler!
Are we there yet?
Everything looks so small!
Hey, don't get annoyed with me--they're Branson's kids!
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Light Rail on Parkway: City Yes, NCC No
City Council announced this week that Ottawa's new light-rail line will run along the Ottawa River Parkway. The National Capital Commission has responded to say 'No.' This follows last month's announcement that the line would run along the Ottawa River Parkway, to which the National Capital Commission said no. It was a modification of an earlier proposal that Ottawa's new light-rail line be constructed along the Ottawa River Parkway, to which the National Capital Commission had said no.
City Council insiders say that the City is now working to modify the proposal, so that Ottawa's new light-rail line will run along the Ottawa River Parkway. Council is said to be 'very optimistic' that the NCC will give the green light to this ground-breaking idea.
City planners are anxious to get all the approvals in place, so that they can move forward to the next step in the city's standard tendering process: selecting an overtaxed, out-of-town contractor on the brink of bankruptcy. Experts explain that it's much cheaper for the City to have the contractor go belly-up in the middle of construction, than to tear up the contract and get sued-i.e. the "O'Brien Manoeuvre".
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July 18, 2012
Internet Hacked
INTERPOL announced just moments ago that the Internet has been hacked. They then went on to say it was actually just
social-networking site Facebook, but that, for most people, Facebook is the Internet. Authorities are bracing for a
rash of consequences but say that, so far, the hackers don't appear to have found anything actually useful on the site.
Now, before you drive yourself off the 417, trying to check Facebook on your iPhone, bear in mind that you heard this
news first on a comedy show run by bored, unpaid volunteers with time to kill. Now go back to your Angry Birds and
try to pay attention.
Yahoo! Voice Found Alive, Hacked
Former web search giant Yahoo! announced last week that passwords were stolen to approximately 450,000 Yahoo! Voice accounts. Authorities
were shocked-not necessarily at the size of the security breach, but that anybody actually still had a Yahoo! Voice account-but they did
remind the public... again... to change their passwords regularly, and try to make it less obvious than the name of your favourite movie.
And, yes, sadly, this story is mostly true.
Show Wins Bogus Award, Not Sued
Remote Planet has been nominated for the award for "Best Community Radio Sketch Comedy Show in the 4:30-5pm Afternoon Drive Timeslot"
at the Centretown Comedy Festival! The only thing we're waiting on is the actual creation of a Centretown Comedy Festival, and their
acceptance of our nomination.
A Remote Planet spokesperson also announced today that the show is not being sued by the Capital Hoedown Music Festival.
No, it's true!
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Centretown, Lowertown Not Bothered by Burning Smell
A large brush fire in Ottawa's West End, late last week, had many local residents sniffing and asking, "Do you smell burning?"
A southwest breeze carried smoke from the fire over a wide swath of the city, Thursday night. Fire departments received a rash
of worried calls-except in Lowertown and Chinatown, where residents assumed it was just another arson job, and slumbered on.
Drought Continues, Go Oilsands!
Showers this week are hoped to bring relief from an unprecedented drought which has plagued the region in recent months. While the showers may help the situation temporarily, Environment Harper Canada says little relief is in sight for the rest of the summer, which should continue to be hot and dry. In accordance with new government regulations, however, they stressed that this is a purely natural process, nothing to worry about, and that the horoscope for 2012 says to buy lots of Alberta oil stocks.
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Calgary Tops, Harper Says
And keeping our eye on the West for a moment: it's official: Calgary is the greatest city in The Harper Canada. That was proclaimed recently during a Prime Ministerial visit to Western Canada's shining gem. Harper intended the statement as a vote of confidence in the city and its burgeoning oil-and-gas industry. In every other city in Canada, the statement has instead spoken volumes about Harper.
Gibson Quiet Lately
Embattled actor Mel Gibson... has been pretty quiet lately; anybody notice that?
Bluesfest Over
The massive, annual Bluesfest music festival has come and gone for another year. The ten-day-long event featured a multitude of high-profile acts in every conceivable musical genre except, of course, the Blues. Festival director Peter Noble says he hasn't yet decided where to flee with the proceeds. In a related story, Bluesfest is being sued by the Capital Hoedown Music Festival for Showing Off-and, yes, I'm making up parts of this story. Time will tell which parts.
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